I was telling someone the other day about my 2011. It was a funny year – the most amazing year of my life but also one of the hardest. There are so many new feelings that wash over you when you’re a new mom. And with Bryan traveling overnight three days a week + a new baby + a new booming business, there were times when I though my world was pretty much going to come crashing down. Thank goodness for good friends who rush to your house in the middle of the night when your appendix almost ruptures. For good friends who visit you to give you some adult interaction. For good friends who get together on Fridays for chardonnay and baby play time. And for good friends who cheer you on, lift you up in prayer and encourage you daily. And, of course, for family who lets you visit for long periods of time to get lots of work done : ) I really do get by with a little help from my friends.
The reason last year worked at all was because I decided before Brady was born – as I anticipated the crazy life of a work-from-home business owner whose husband was on the road half the time – that when worse came to worse I would always make the non-regretable choice. I’d always choose Brady. In the early days this was pretty easy, Bman loved to sleep during the day (night… not so much). He’d nap in his Lamb Swing in my office while I worked. He’d have tummy time on his mat under the window while I worked or took consult calls. Sometimes he’d sit on my lap while I typed (until he became very interested in what all that noise was when Mommy pressed those cool white buttons hey there are lots of them… hey I can type too!) That ended as quick as it started.
There were so many days that I had to email/text/smoke signal Lara, Marissa and Nicole (go Team MBH!) and tell them that I had to throw in the towel. I’d stop mid-email-sentence, mid-design, mid-blog post, turn off my office light, put Brady in the car and go walk the mall or go walk around our neighborhood. Doing that was probably the biggest lesson I learned as a mama. It’s hard for me to stop a project in the middle. I was the girl that, when assigned a huge term paper at the beginning of the semester, got it done in the first two weeks so I didn’t have the weight of the assignment weighing on me the next few months. But slowly, God is teaching me that my time is no longer just my own. It’s something I’m still learning even as he approaches his first birthday (what!?)
Around the middle of the year last year, we hired “Ms. Kara.” Kara is a Godsend. She’s Brady’s “nanny” two days a week (I hate the word nanny… I like to call her his “friend” : ) They read books, play games and go for walks. Having those two days back to work is wonderful. And what a blessing to be just a few rooms away from him – knowing he’s in the hands of someone who adores him like we do.
Those two days are perfect, but now we’re approaching the time when Brady will soon be walking, is already into everything and has started CLIMBING anything within reach. And those other few days a week (of working while Brady “naps” or “plays quietly”) are coming to an end. He wants to play. He wants to go for walks. He wants to climb. He wants to eat everything on the floor (dog food is his favorite, followed by Mommy’s flip flops).
I’m praying a lot about what to do with these two days. I realize it’s probably best for Brady to spend two days a week (the days he’s not with “Ms. Kara”) interacting with other children – perhaps at a Mommy’s Day Out program at a nearby church (which we’re still searching for). Why is it so hard for me to just do this for him. About 95% of the other Moms I know do this with their children while they work and it is wonderful.
I am so blessed that this crazy dream I had has turned into a successful business and I’m able to work very flexible hours from my home studio. So blessed. I’m here for him at the drop of a hat. I never work on Fridays. What a blessing this is. So why do I feel soooooo unendingly guilty about this.
But sometimes I see my stay-at-home-Mom friends and am envious that they are able to spend 100% of their time with their children. There’s no one greater who can care for Brady than me. At the same time, I see my working Mom friends whose children go to great daycare or Mommy’s Day Out programs a few times a week who are really benefiting from the social interaction and activities those programs provide.
I realize only I know what’s best for him, but why on earth is care for him two days a week such a hard decision to make. I STRUGGLED in the decision to hire a nanny. Finally I just did it. Having no idea what I was doing – and found Kara, who is WONDERFUL and really an extension of our family.
I can do this right!? I know Bryan and I will make the right decision. I just wish it were easier and I wish someone would give me the dang Mom Handbook already!
xo
Emily
PS: Perhaps I need to read this again. And this.
As a nanny I can tell you the staying home with your child as much as you can will make the biggest difference– especially while he’s still at home. Once he hits 3 there are so many social activities/schools you can send him to etc. but this really is such a critical time and he needs you.
Parents can say that it has worked for them to send their children off everyday but as an outsider I can say 100% that I children I’ve worked with where their parents are gone 5 days a week takes a toll on them. It breaks my heart.
You’ll never get this time back.
I think about this all the time and am actually trying to figure out what is best for us too. Josiah goes to MDO one day a week and my dad watches him the other day that I work. I sometimes wonder if I am holding him back from socializing with children his age because I want to constantly spend time with him/take care of him. This is a very hard decision and I’m sure you and your husband will make the right decision either way.
I love you. I’m so proud of you and grateful for you!!
I don’t think the Mommy-guilt thing ever goes away! It will always be there… :) I can say for myself that Colin has gone to full-time daycare/preschool since he was 10 weeks old. I don’t regret it at all. He is so sociable, talkative and still extremely loveable and close to his mama. Even after I finally work out my “dream” work plan later this year, I still plan for him to attend full time 7am-5pm at least 3 days a week, with one day at his grandparents and one day, home with me so I can enjoy the stay at home Mom experience for the day. Instead of focusing on the “right” decision, why don’t you just take a chance at where you’re being led to. What’s the worse thing that can happen? You just quit and figure out something else. Hugs!
I’m normally just a lurker but felt compelled to post a comment to this post. I work from home a couple days a week and face many of the same struggles you talked about. Many of the people in my circles are SAHM and I dealt with a lot of guilt over leaving my kids with someone. We currently have someone who comes to our house and stays with our sons the three days a week I work in my office.
Here’s my .02 on the issue. I find that I need the interaction and challenge I get from working. I know it’s not for everyone and I also know that God made each of us different. That’s why what works for some families don’t work for others. I think I’m a better mom to my kids because I work. When I considered staying at home full time because that’s what everyone said was best, I started to look at kids I knew who were on fire for God, who had compassion for others and had the qualities I wanted my boys to possess and I realized that the most well-adjusted kids I know had Moms who worked full-time and the kids who seemed more ill-adjusted were the ones whose Moms stayed at home. I’ve talked to others whose experiences have been the opposite and this led me to the realization that you’re always going to get different opinions based on who you talk to and what their experiences have been. The real guide is your Mommy gut and what works best for your family.
Several years ago Oprah did a show on this issue and there were pros and cons to both sides. She talked to kids who were now adults and raised on both sides of the issues and all the kids were happy for different reasons.
I’ve also heard parents say they found their kids needed them more when they were older rather than younger. I’m not supporting either side just pointing out that there are so many opinions on this issue.
Just from reading your blog, I can tell you’re an amazing Mom and a praying Mom which is the most important thing. God knows best what’s best for you and Brady and he will guide you there.
Oh, Emily! It is a tough decision for every good mommy. Just keep praying about it. What makes it hard is that you don’t want to miss out on all the wonderful little moments you know are coming, you don’t want to trust just anyone to care for your little man while you can’t and because you love him so much you are probably thinking about how difficult it will be not to have him in the house, just a room away, hearing his babbles and giggles as background. You have done a spectacular job in finding a wonderful caretaker for two of the days, and you know you will put even more care, caution and prayer into finding a good place for the other two. And if it doesn’t work out the way you want, you can try again. Deciding to close the business to stay home with T was one of the most difficult decisions I’ve made, but it was where God lead me. Just keep seeking His will and you will find the perfect solution for you, Bman and all your wonderful work. Hugs and prayers!
You are an amazing mother. Your son will grow up to be so unbelievably proud of his do it all, started her own business from scratch mom. Above all of your accomplishments your love for Brady and Bryan shines at the top. There will
NEVER be a day that either of them will question that. Never.
I was coming to tell you exactly what Lisa did…you are showing Brady that everything is possible. I work from home as a small business owner as well and we started my now 3 year old in a program at church 2 days a week when she was 18 months old. I can say with 100% certainty that it was one of the BEST parenting decisions I’ve made. I needed that time to work and it didn’t feel fair to plop Addi down with a few books and toys next to me while I got some work done. She LOVES school and has since day 1. She’ll be 4 in 2 months and now goes 3 days a week and often asks to go for a 4th. She loves her friends and the social interaction has been wonderful for her.
The programs at church are wonderful. They aren’t all day – we go from 9:00-2:00 and I love that she learns about God and Jesus and numbers and letters all at the same time :)
You’ll figure it out and make the best decision for your family – don’t stress, you’re doing a fabulous job!
One of the most beautiful parts of our friendship is when you hit crossroads. Because in each instance, God walks you right into a door that is a perfect fit. With Marissa, with Kara, and now with this decision.
Listen to your heart, pray that he guides you and LEAP. Look at all the beautiful things like Marissa, now even Nicole right and Kara are doing for you and I remember when you were unsure as well. Also, E. If you aren’t loving it you can always change it right? Like take him back home or set a different schedule. Nothing is completely final.
So Jump and see what happens in either way and know that it’s not all or nothing. That things are just lessons NOT mistakes.
Love you. Thank you for being such a witness to me about being a momma and loving God.
G
You have to do what works for you. I wish there was a handbook too, but ultimately I found it’s all about compromise. Some moms need that outside work, while others don’t. For me, I work in the evenings because I enjoy what I do and it gives me a sense of accomplishment, but I don’t work nearly as much as I used to. I feel that while jobs and opportunities will always be out there, my child will not always be one, or two, or three. She will grow and soon enough she’ll want nothing more than to just hang with her friends. Good luck, Emily.
As a momma of a 15 month old I am already where you see yourself ending up. My little E is into everything and wants lots of attention and interaction. He just moved to a one-nap-a-day schedule and my productivity level has gone way down.
My plan is to put him into daycare two days a week and I hope that will be enough, but I also have high hopes of growing my business more so eventually two days might not be enough. And then there is the whole having another baby idea that is looming in the horizon.
I don’t think you can ever tell how it will all work until you are there and you have to follow your heart. Somehow it all seems to fall into place when you have your priorities figured out {and of course a little faith}.
Hey Mama. It’s so amazing how our lives keep paralleling each other. I’m going through a similar decision. I feel like there’s a heaviness put on my heart because God is suggesting a change. I currently have 2 different nannies totaling 5 days a week. Sometimes I feel like even though she’s at home while I work a few rooms away, I don’t get to really spend enough time with her. So, it makes me think I should cut back the days and have some mommy days, and to save some money. But, then I also can’t imagine working less hours than I am currently. And, I do worry about her not getting socialized enough. I enjoyed reading this and the other ladies suggestions. I love what Gina said, about just trying it out and seeing if it works. Also, I think about it from Aven’s perspective. I know she would choose Mommy time over anything else in the world. Thanks again friend.
<3 Cathy
I can totally relate to this message as I too have my own home based business. I started it well before my 21 month old Gabe came along as I knew that I wanted to stay at home, but also knew that I was the type that would need some work to keep me busy while he napped, etc. Fast forward 4 years and I’m blessed that the business has exceeded beyond my wildest expectations. But, I do have a love/hate relationship with it and the success. I’m proud of how it has grown, but I also hate that it takes time away from me and my son – from your post it sounds like you have the same exact feelings. I’d hoped for something I could work on 2 hours a day, but it’s become something that takes 8+ hours and even weekends. Probably once a month (or more) I break down crying to my husband that I wish I could just walk away, and I do for that day, and then I start thinking of how much work I’ve put into the business to get it to where it is and realize that I can’t just walk away. There is too much time and money invested to just leave it be, until let’s say Gabe goes to school full time. I dream of just walking away, but I just can’t. Actually, I’m ashamed to admit, that I do pray that business miraculously slows to 2 hours a day, the perfect amount of work for me, but it never does.
My son is a very active, 21 month old and does not play well by himself – even though I do have a dedicated large play area in my office. I spend 3/4 of my time grabbing him away from something he shouldn’t be playing with and then I feel like a terrible mom for ‘yelling’ at him, when it’s not his fault that he’s getting into trouble. So, I’ve also recently made the decision to have him go to a Parent’s Day Out program at a local Church one day a week from 9 am -1 pm. My neighbor, who has 2 kids his age, also watches him one morning a week. Although this has helped, and Gabe seems to like the social interaction, I still feel very guilty about it, but at the same time I tell my hubby that I really need morning work time everymorning, but I can’t bare to let him go any longer. It’s such a hard, hard decision that I’ve struggled with for almost 2 years. And, I know that it will even get harder when we add to our family, hopefully some day soon.
Anyway, as a fellow Dreamer into Doer, I’ve been ‘lurking’ your blog for sometime and this post compelled me to post. I really do wish you all of the best in making the right decision for you and your darling little boy. I know from experience, that it’s a hard decision and I hope that I get my own situation figured out sometime soon too!
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